Wednesday, September 17, 2014



Local black man Robert Johnson has drawn much attention in the South Sacramento neighborhood after he was seen handcuffing and arresting himself in an attempt to avoid getting shot to death by Sacramento PD officers. "I just kept seeing all of these black guys getting shot by the police on the news. When the two officers walked by I just threw myself on the ground and began arresting myself" Johnson stated.
Witnesses report that that Johnson was indeed seen punching his own face and shouting racial slurs at himself as soon as the two white officers walked by. "I'm a large, intimidating black man," Johnson said, "I had to convince the cops that I was so worn out that there was no need to shoot me."

According to Sacramento Police Chief Ray Palmer, these bizarre events are happening more frequently throughout the city. There were reports of at least five separate incidents where officers were startled to find 2-3 black men sitting in the back of their squad cars, already handcuffed and beaten to a pulp. Police Chief Palmer has mixed feelings about this new phenomenon.

"On one hand,  I appreciate the fact that these black men are taking the responsibility to arrest and rough themselves up. And it does save us a heck of a lot of money on bullets," the chief said. "On the other hand, it’s probably not completely necessary."

Local black man Robert Johnson, however, thinks that these actions are completely necessary for safety reasons. "Us blacks have to be safe out here," Johnson continued, "I even offered to drop my pants and spread my cheeks so that the officers could see that I wasn't carrying anything on me. They said it wasn't necessary, but I did it anyway just to be safe."

Meanwhile, the hashtag #arrestyoself is trending on Twitter, with thousands of followers supporting Robert Johnson's bold actions.

#satire #butactually

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